Thursday, September 29, 2005

Words - Thoughts - Feelings

If written down will never fade…… Today, I decided to really do my blog. WHY? Well because I was looking for a password and found something I wrote October 11, 2005, just before I started working at Corporate Real Estate, I was still with the Set Lighting Department. Here’s the message I found: October 11, 2004 it has been a pretty good day so far. I have been writing things down on little pieces of paper about how I feel, everything has been pretty negative. Things have not been going very well for me at work in the past few weeks and I have just been fighting to stay afloat and I am never positive. Why is going to work so hard, why can’t people respect that I was ill, did I need to die for anyone to care. That’s how I feel “had I died they would care” that is so sad. I loved my job, what happened did Shayla really want my job that bad or did she want Phil to work there. I am so disappointed in her. I thought we were friends; well friends don’t treat friends like that. Well at least I know now. I can at least peruse other friendships and not waste my time on that one like I did for the last 4 years. When there weren’t issues at work I felt like I could juggle working, being a mom and a wife. Now I don't feel like I do any of them well and I feel like I'm trying to hard. All I have ever wanted was to be a good mom. I don't feel like I've been a very good one lately. Even when I was sick I was a better mom. This working thing in this horrible environment has me so burnt out that I get home and can't wait for bed time, that is so sad because I haven’t seen my children all day, and I'm looking forward to bed time! If that doesn't eat at a mothers soul I don't know what would. I want to start looking to the positive before the negative gets me. It is truly hard to remain positive in such a negative environment. But what is the right thing to do? I know god doesn’t give us more than we can handle, I already handle every day without my family around, and that should be enough for one person to bear for a lifetime. So I bumped into this and thought it is amazing how we can change, and that we have the power to change. I moved on from that job to a new position in the company, and many times I have thought I would stop back in and say hi to the set lighting people, because over time we really do move on. I didn't realize that those wounds are still very much open. People I thought I was friends with treated me like I was scum that walked the earth. I am so thankful to be in place I am today!! And when my day may not be going my way I have the power to change it!! I can walk around daily and love me, and respect the people that I have in my life and hold my head high, love my husband cherish my children, gain respect from co-workers and adore and grow friendships. Al because of life is good!!! So today I truely start to blog!!!!

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