Monday, September 12, 2011

A changed life and the struggle for normalcy

Words can never explain the loss I have experienced and how it's changed my normal every day life upside down. My dads been ill for a long time and we were blessed with a whole year to love him a little longer. We came to his bedside to say goodbye and when we stood around him he fought for his life. I feel so lucky to have shared our extra time, visiting, hugging, joking talking on the phone and even messing around on facebook. Unfortunately just four days before I was to go spend three weeks with my dad he became very ill and passed away before I was able to see him, feel him, kiss him or hold him, my heart is broken in two. My life turned upside down spinning in all different directions, I feel like a moth flying at a light bulb. I'm having a hard journey, all the little things I love to do just don't come to me, the focus and dedication to me and my health gone and without the devotion the pounds come back on. I'm taking baby steps and slowly getting there. I'm looking for peace yet I still seem to find sadness, a heavy ache for a life cut short. I fear my own mortality 64s just too young you have so much more to experience in life. If you see me you just might not know how much pain I'm in because I do love life and most importantly the life I'm living. But this gaping hole in my heart will take a lot to fill. I find myself saying a lot of the time my dad would have loved this or I wish my dad got to experience this. I'm trying to get me back after all of this, the organized me the creative me, the healthy me. They say things get easier with time I think that's partly true I do move forward but one second of realization that's he's really gone brings me dropped right back to square one. Sadness takes over and my heart breaks again, I'm longing for the day when my thoughts of him are happy memories and not just of my loss. This blog post is one of my many steps forward, one of the things I've lost along the way and tonight I share with you all my pain but most importantly one of my many steps forward to healing me and sharing my memories without tears without the pain of loss and just the sweet memories of his precious life.

Dad I will love you forever. I know your always close I've seen a butterfly each day since you've passed and it reminds me of how beautiful life can be.


~Hold your loved ones close and share with them how you feel!


Toni said...

Love you my friend! You know I'm always here for you! Any time day or night! You are an amazing person! Only happy thoughts!

LA said...

I Love you Niece. You do your Dad proud to have grown into such a beautiful sensitive woman. Your dad lives on through you, & your brothers & sisters. Be strong, take one day at a time & remember that your dad would never want you to suffer!

Auntie LA